Women’s Day has come and gone and the flags unfurled in our honour have been put back in their boxes. The women who talk the talk and some who truly walk the walk have already put in their bid for all the big-ticket items like equal opportunities in society, employment and education. So, with all the important stuff taken care of, I am free to wish for a ton of smaller things. Here is my wish-list of inventions that I think women need. All you Elon Musks of the world, kindly pay heed.
1. A magnifying glass with a built-in laser:
Using the same technology as Putin’s S-400 missiles, it will let you spot, target and destroy stray strands of hair that have the audacity to sprout overnight on your chin or upper lip. A zap a day keeps the razor away.
2. A vibrating alarm in our sanitary napkins:
Alright, maybe not vibrating ’cause that would set us off on another path, but an alarm that syncs with our smartphone to warn us of ‘Imminent Overflow’, thus saving us the hundred trips we make to the bathroom ‘just to check’.
3. An implanted microchip:
When desired, it will stop the frenzied stream of thoughts washing across our brain and mimic the ability of the XY chromosome- holders who can stare into blank space and actually think about nothing. Not the kind of nothing in which you wonder, ‘Should I exchange that dress I got from Zara, from medium to small? Because I should be able to lose 5 kilos by next weekend or maybe I’d better wear it now before everyone goes and buys it. So how many calories did I eat for lunch, let me count …’ Not that sort of nothing, I mean actually nothing — zero brainwave activity aside from regulating vital functions.
4. High heels with a button:
So they turn into flats when required, like across gravelly paths and long hotel corridors. With another tap, the heel slides out again so you can glide into the party with your legs looking five inches longer as desired, throwing away the no-pain, no-gain adage, along with bunions and swollen ankles.
5. A weighing machine that can lie:
Not big dramatic lies where you wonder if you have left Earth and are now under the moon’s gravitational pull; just small white lies, like a kilo or two here and there.
6. A drone trained to spy on your mother-in-law:
It sets off multiple alerts each time she is on her way to your house so that you can make a quick exit and be saved from spouting endless variations of, ‘Yes, you are right Mummyji’ while cowering with fear at what she will find fault with next.
7. A pair of cyborg arms to attach to your own two flesh-and-blood ones:
An absolute must for the three hours that you have in the evening, after coming back from work and before going to bed. With this invention, multitasking would be a breeze — draw a diagram for your daughter’s project, throw some marinated chicken into the oven, make the husband’s favorite gin and tonic which apparently doesn’t taste the same when he makes it himself, and slather on the heavily advertised de-wrinkling face pack that will make you look 10 years younger in 10 minutes. After a while, you may wonder how you even did it all earlier with just two arms.
8. A camera with an inbuilt projector embedded in the retina:
To be used on men with convenient amnesia whenever they say that they have absolutely no recollection of agreeing to a particular thing. This blanket statement covers everything from taking the dog to the vet, visiting our second cousin Chunna and going to see a play called Vagina Monologues. Just turn your steely gaze to a blank wall and replay that particular recorded incident with the date and time as irrevocable proof.
9. A pen with inbuilt darts:
Handy when men talk over you, drowning out your views, or down to you, like you are an imbecile. Point the pen and a tiny tranquilizer dart discretely flies out across the conference table and sticks them in the neck causing an immediate allergic reaction with itchy hives at which point you can always smile sweetly and say, ‘You know that looks like a nasty autoimmune disorder, are you sure you are not allergic to your own bullshit?’
10. A chill pill:
As I sat alone to write this piece, I heard the old clamouring in my head, telling me that I should spend this time reading a book to the baby, checking on my son’s homework or looking into the man of the house’s dinner, and that I can get back to my task once they don’t need me and have gone to bed.
And I realized that while all the other gadgets and inventions would be wonderful what we first need is something that cures guilt. We are so busy being mothers, daughters, sisters, and wives that the time we spend on ourselves, on our work, is laced with self-reproach.
So, I propose a pill made in the laboratory of our minds that gets rid of that nagging voice in the head caused by years of conditioning. Women are capable of juggling multiple balls in the air, but perhaps it’s time to drop the one marked guilt.
Do share your views commetns below:
1. A magnifying glass with a built-in laser:
Using the same technology as Putin’s S-400 missiles, it will let you spot, target and destroy stray strands of hair that have the audacity to sprout overnight on your chin or upper lip. A zap a day keeps the razor away.
2. A vibrating alarm in our sanitary napkins:
Alright, maybe not vibrating ’cause that would set us off on another path, but an alarm that syncs with our smartphone to warn us of ‘Imminent Overflow’, thus saving us the hundred trips we make to the bathroom ‘just to check’.
3. An implanted microchip:
When desired, it will stop the frenzied stream of thoughts washing across our brain and mimic the ability of the XY chromosome- holders who can stare into blank space and actually think about nothing. Not the kind of nothing in which you wonder, ‘Should I exchange that dress I got from Zara, from medium to small? Because I should be able to lose 5 kilos by next weekend or maybe I’d better wear it now before everyone goes and buys it. So how many calories did I eat for lunch, let me count …’ Not that sort of nothing, I mean actually nothing — zero brainwave activity aside from regulating vital functions.
4. High heels with a button:
So they turn into flats when required, like across gravelly paths and long hotel corridors. With another tap, the heel slides out again so you can glide into the party with your legs looking five inches longer as desired, throwing away the no-pain, no-gain adage, along with bunions and swollen ankles.
5. A weighing machine that can lie:
Not big dramatic lies where you wonder if you have left Earth and are now under the moon’s gravitational pull; just small white lies, like a kilo or two here and there.
6. A drone trained to spy on your mother-in-law:
It sets off multiple alerts each time she is on her way to your house so that you can make a quick exit and be saved from spouting endless variations of, ‘Yes, you are right Mummyji’ while cowering with fear at what she will find fault with next.
7. A pair of cyborg arms to attach to your own two flesh-and-blood ones:
An absolute must for the three hours that you have in the evening, after coming back from work and before going to bed. With this invention, multitasking would be a breeze — draw a diagram for your daughter’s project, throw some marinated chicken into the oven, make the husband’s favorite gin and tonic which apparently doesn’t taste the same when he makes it himself, and slather on the heavily advertised de-wrinkling face pack that will make you look 10 years younger in 10 minutes. After a while, you may wonder how you even did it all earlier with just two arms.
8. A camera with an inbuilt projector embedded in the retina:
To be used on men with convenient amnesia whenever they say that they have absolutely no recollection of agreeing to a particular thing. This blanket statement covers everything from taking the dog to the vet, visiting our second cousin Chunna and going to see a play called Vagina Monologues. Just turn your steely gaze to a blank wall and replay that particular recorded incident with the date and time as irrevocable proof.
9. A pen with inbuilt darts:
Handy when men talk over you, drowning out your views, or down to you, like you are an imbecile. Point the pen and a tiny tranquilizer dart discretely flies out across the conference table and sticks them in the neck causing an immediate allergic reaction with itchy hives at which point you can always smile sweetly and say, ‘You know that looks like a nasty autoimmune disorder, are you sure you are not allergic to your own bullshit?’
10. A chill pill:
As I sat alone to write this piece, I heard the old clamouring in my head, telling me that I should spend this time reading a book to the baby, checking on my son’s homework or looking into the man of the house’s dinner, and that I can get back to my task once they don’t need me and have gone to bed.
And I realized that while all the other gadgets and inventions would be wonderful what we first need is something that cures guilt. We are so busy being mothers, daughters, sisters, and wives that the time we spend on ourselves, on our work, is laced with self-reproach.
So, I propose a pill made in the laboratory of our minds that gets rid of that nagging voice in the head caused by years of conditioning. Women are capable of juggling multiple balls in the air, but perhaps it’s time to drop the one marked guilt.
Do share your views commetns below:
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